I'm back...

Hello Dear Readers,

I am beyond sorry that I have been away fro so long.  The least that I can say is that it has been a long road getting back this week...

For those of you who don't know, I'm in Colorado.  Our poor state is being ravaged by fire fires, the worst of which is the Waldo Canyon Fire.  It has been called one of the worst in history.  It spread into the city and destroyed over 300 homes, causing the evacuation of over 20,000 residents.  I was one of those residents.  However, I am back home, safe and sound.  I am saddened and heart sick at the thought of the loss and devastation that has befallen our fine state.  But i am grateful to my friends to allowing me and my dog to stay with them so that I did not have to stay in a hotel or a shelter...

The fires are all still raging, however I a am working to get my life back to normal.  I was luck enough to find my home still standing with no damage.  I wish I could say the same for everyone else...

Thinking...

So I've been doing some thinking.  Not about anything in particular.  Just thinking in general.

So I asked Frank out on a date.  Waiting on a response...  WHAT WAS I THINKING????

Last Few Days...

WOW...  I'm slipping on posts again.  That's what comes from having no life I guess...

OK, so to catch up on the last few days:
~Was out sick from work Monday - Thursday.  Would have been out on Friday too, but I'm out of PTO so really can't afford to miss anymore work for a while.  I figure I can't call in at all for July, an need to watch out for calling in in August.
~Got an apology (kind of) message from FA.  Was good of him to apologize.  And I admitted I was wrong as well (a few days later, had to think about what to say first).  Hope we can at least still be friends.  Fingers crossed.  Because I really like him.  With any luck once things settle down for the both of use, maybe we can try again.
~Invited DC over last night for some sex.  Got tired of just talking about it via text.  So I wore my shirt unbuttoned down past my bra.  Put my hair up but shook it out (like they do in movies but not in slow motion of course) when he got here. Texted him all the dirty things I wanted us to do.  Busted out the bottle of wine.  He stays for about an hour then leaves.  We didn't even touch at all.  Not a hug.  Not a kiss.  Not even a handshake.  NOTHING!!!  NADA!!!  ZIP!!!  ZILTCH!!!
~ Ended up drunk texting FA (even though I knew what I was doing, so really it was more like buzzed texting).  He replied but did not come over.  Big surprise.  Texted him again this morning to apologize for drunk texting.  We texted back and forth for a few minutes.  Told him it was nice talking to him again and to have a good weekend with the kids.
~Went tonight to see MIB3 with Anna.  Went to Chilli's after.  AG (the fuck buddy from work) came over around 1-ish.  He's sleeping in the bed now.  I on the other hand can not sleep.  There are several reasons:  he was snoring like crazy; he's hogging the bed; I've got too much adrenaline to sleep now; and who knows why else considering the lack of sleep I got last night (lack of good sleep anyway because I was drunk) but you'd think that with it being 3:00am I'd be passed out too.  My eyelids are totally heavy like they can't stay open, but as soon as I close my eyes they suddenly decide they won't stay closed...

I would just take a sleeping pill or something, but I'm going to the Denver Aquarium with my bestie & her kids tomorrow so I need to be awake for that.  So I don't know how thats going to work out since I can't sleep at all...

Can't turn on the light to read or the TV to watch because I don't want to wake AG up (although that would mean that maybe I could just take him home and then I could take the sheets off the bed and get some sleep) so I thought I'd come in the other room and do something "useful."

Well, that about catches up this past week...  Nothing new to report...

OH, I did decide that I'm taking the summer quarter off from school.  I need a break.  So I have to go over to the school on Monday and fill out the form so that they don't send my stuff off to be repaid yet.  And I'm thinking of getting my PhD.  I may have mentioned that.  I also want to look into seeing what it would take to get my PI license.  That might be interesting.  Probably not, but you never know.  I mean, it won't be anything like the PIs on TV and in the movies, I know that, but still, may be somewhat decent...  Who knows...

Hum...  I have nothing else to say.  Still can't sleep.  Wonder what I can do next???

OK, didn't realize it had been 2 days.

I'm thinking of changing the tone of the blog, at least for a while.  I'm tired of bitching about F and about school.  (still taking summer off, just need to contact the school and let them know I'm taking it off and also see about the PhD program.  Maybe I'll call them today if I can get some homework done.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  Homework...  I crack myself up...)

Anyway, I'm going to make this about sex.  Sexual fantasies (so feel free to add some of your own if there are any readers out there).  Sexual problems.  Sexual frustrations.  Tips and tricks.  Do's and Don'ts (although, I guess between consenting adults, there are no real "don'ts")...

And so with that, I guess I should begin...

Now I've mentioned texting DC.  We haven't met yet, but we've been talking about sex (via text) for a while now.  Today's blog is just a detailed description of one of the things that he and I were talking about.  Hell, I may even email it to him...

We're sitting on the couch drinking wine and kissing.  As the kissing gets more intense he starts running his fingers over my breasts and kissing my neck.  I'm running my fingers through his hair encouraging him.  Slowly I run my fingers down his arm and gently place his hand on my thigh under my skirt to let him know that it's OK to go further.  He pushes me back so that he is half laying on top of me, still kissing my neck and probing under my panties.  I reach down and stroke him through his pants, and start working on unfastening his belt.

Once I've freed him from his pants I close my fingers around him, gently pulling.

He breaks away from the kiss to reach under my skirt and take off my panties.  He sees that they are black.  He chuckles and tells me that good girls don't wear black panties.  And if I'm not a good girl, maybe I should be punished.  He pulls me up  and makes me turn around so I'm kneeling on the sofa.  He pushes my skirt up over my ass and rubs his hand on it's roundness.

He pulls his hand back and slaps.  Not hard, but I can feel the hand print rising.  He does this again and again, rubbing my ass after every few slaps.  Heightening the sensation and making it tingle.  Eventually, between slaps he starts probing my pussy again, making it wet.  Occasionally taking the spare moment to bite me or lick my now wet pussy from behind.  When he feels that it is wet enough he grabs my hips from behind and thrusts himself inside me pumping again and again pulling out before either of us can reach a climax.

He starts spanking me again until  he is no longer in danger of exploding on my back.

He makes me get up and take off my dress and my bra and has me sit back on the couch while he gets undressed.  He tells me that because I took my "punishment" so well now I can be rewarded and he kneels down in front of me and begins to lick me.  I begin to moan and move my hips.  He keeps licking me and probing me with his fingers until I cum.

After I've climaxed he stands up, but before he can enter me, I grab his hips and take him in my mouth and begin to suck.  I lick the tip of his penis, swirling my tongue around the head.  I cup his balls and gently play with them in my hands.  I keep sucking until I can taste the pre-cum on his throbbing dick. Then I pull away and lay back so that he can lay on top of me and put his hot dick inside my pussy.

He's on his knees pumping in and out of me.  I reach down and start to play with my clit, matching the rhythm of my hips, until I cum again.  It's only then that he allows himself to release and cum with hard hot strokes pounding hard then he collapses on-top of me, still inside me.

After we catch our breath we start kissing again until he grows hard inside me again...  

I should be doing homework

OK, so I've been texting a new guy.  DC.  He's 45.  Actually divorced (or so his profile says).  Only has a high school education, but that's OK.  I don't hold it against someone just because they didn't go to college.  Hell, I didn't go for a long time.  He's in construction, so if we get along and like each other maybe I can get some stuff done around my house.   It's hard to tell from his picture how good looking he is or isn't.  But then, it's not like I'm some sort of supermodel or anything so I won't hold that against him either.

Would have blogged last night, but I fell asleep at like 9 on the sofa.  Was up late IMing & texting him the night before & only had about 4 hours of sleep. Talks started out innocent enough.  Now he's being all sexual though.  Talking about how he can't wait to eat my pussy til I cum all over his face.  I'm thinking of meeting up with him just for that.

I don't know.  I'll just keep texting for now I guess.

In the meantime, I have homework that is late (should have been done on Wednesday).  Plus an assignment that needs starting (due Monday)...

After dinner I'll get started.  I'm thinking of taking the summer off.  So fucking tired of school...

Yep... Doormat...

So F published on his facebook page that he got his phone back but lost his contacts & to text him so "we" could be added back.  Yep.  Idiot me. I did it.

We texted for a few minutes.  He claimed that he couldn't take his phone into work with him because he was doing a different job.  Before he left I asked him if he still wanted to pursue a relationship.  He said he'd text me after work.  That was yesterday.  Still haven't heard from him.

Texted him after lunch today.  Told him I was taking his silence as an answer.  Wished him luck in what/ who ever he was doing.  That it was his loss.  I deserve better.  He's the one missing out.  Basically anyway.  That's not word for word.

Unfriended him on facebook.  Whatever...  I don't have time for his games.

OH, and I added something about when he decided what he wants to give me a call but don't expect me to wait around...

Bored...

SO BORED...

I even texted my booty call.  But I don't know if that's more because I'm bored, or just trying to get F out of my head.  Or maybe I just need to get laid.  Of course, there is the possibility that it's all 3...

The upside of having a fuck-buddy is that there are no strings attached & no emotions.  The downside, I miss having someone's arms around me.  Someone to cuddle with on the couch and watch TV.   For example, right now I'm watching last week's Eureka.  Fargo in in the "Matrix" Eureka.  He's all alone.  Or was until he found Holly.  I feel just like that (before he found Holly).

Like I said, I like living alone because I can come and go as I please.  No one to answer to except the dog.    Eat what I want when I want.  Drink as much as I want without anyone being all judgy on me.  Watch what I want on TV and not having to fight for the remote.  But I get lonely...  I want someone to talk to on the phone until we fall asleep.

Well, I have my friend Bitchit for that last one. We don't talk all that often, but when we do it's usually several hours long.  If I don't fall asleep on her it's because my phone dies.

I admit she's going through a hard time.  I've got nothing on her when it comes to a rough breakup.  Her husband came to her after 11 years of marriage and said he wanted a divorce, that he doesn't love her anymore.  He jumps around from threatening to take the kids and selling the house out from under her to saying she can keep the kids & the house.  And yet, she still thinks that he's going to come back.  I try to be supportive, but can we say "doormat"!!!

OK, I admit it.  so am I.  If F were to come over right now and walk through my door, I'd take him back.  And for as much as I'd like to say I'd lay down the law, you know, and I know, that I'd be lying.  I'd just jump him right here on the couch and act like nothing has happened.  Oh, I'd let the anger fester inside me, but I wouldn't give him any more rules...  So basically I'm the ULTIMATE doormat...


Which leads me to the fact that I'm dating my best friend.  now if she and I were lesbians that would be OK.  But we aren't.  She's just lonely.  Her husband is a contractor in Afghanistan.  She gets tired of hanging out with just her and the kids.  We go out nearly every weekend.  And now it's just getting weird....  She was kidding me that I needed a spanking.  Now if that had come from F I'd have been all for it.  Hell, even if that would have come from my FB (aka fuck buddy, booty call, or AG).   Then  we are making plans to go to a movie (WITH her kids of course) this coming weekend, and she ran into an unexpected expense, so I told her if she can't make it that's cool, we can reschedule.  She said no, she wants to see me.  I want to see her too.   See.....  getting weird!!!  And we just hung out yesterday.  Went to lunch and shopping...  I NEED A BOYFRIEND!!!!

I have a vibrator (several in fact) when I need an orgasm, but I need a man to hang out with that I can flirt with, have sex with, go on dates with.

So I'm back online...  I'll be move careful this time.

OK, I say that.  We all know I'm full of shit.  I jump in with both feet.  Get burned.  Start all over again still pining for the last one.  But I get the feeling that I'll be pining for the last one for a while...  I actually let myself care about that one.  A lot...

So what the hell is wrong with me.

I've been sitting here all day (well, except when I went to lunch and shopping with my friend) wondering what I did wrong that sent F away.  Well, other than being obsessive about why he wasn't contacting me or returning my calls/texts.  Did I mention that I turned into some kind of psycho that I didn't even recognize?  Probably.  But I still feel like that.  I'm still left with so many unanswered questions.  What did I do?  What could I have done differently?  Why didn't he want me?  Or, more to the point, why did he act like he wanted me for the first few weeks then nothing at all?  Why did he tell me he'd see me again, then not?  And he did this not once, but twice.  And why did I guy into it?  Why did I believe him a second time?

I won't be making that mistake again.  Hell, I don't know what I'm doing.  What's going on with me?  Why can't I find love?  Hell, do I even believe in it anymore?

Just that I'm meant to be alone.  From now until the end of time....  And apparently I'm not meant to know what real happiness is either.  Even when I am happy, there is always something longing inside of me.  And I don't even know what for anymore.

A know that the only baby I'll ever have is Gus.  And he's the only one who will ever truly love me, totally, completely, and unconditionally.

Drop Dead Diva... Wish I was one

So I'm watching season 3 of Drop Dead Diva.  OK, so I get that this is faction.  And that "Jane" is a "Lawyer."   But she's plus sized.  Not as plus sized as me, but still, she's definitely not a skinny twig big boobed bimbo (although, being plus sized, she is pretty stacked!!! -- Just sayin'), she plays a strong, confident, intelligent woman, and she gets boyfriends.  Why can't I have one.  I mean, seriously, is it too much to ask???

A neuro-surgeon.  A judge.  Look, I don't need a surgeon or a judge.  But a semi-intelligent man who treats me nice and likes to cuddle & hold hands.

She dresses well.  I dress comfortably, but when I'm leaving the house, I tend to think that I make a semi-decent attempt at looking halfway human.

She's a lawyer.  I may only be a CSR, but I have 2 college degrees, and am working on a 3rd, considering going for my PhD.

There are women out there who are my size who are married.  OK, so not all of them are married to good looking men.  Some of them are married to toothless hicks.  But as long as they are happy...

And really, that's all I want, to be happy.  But I suppose that is just too much to ask.  I'm destined to be miserable and alone.

At least I have my dog.  He's sweet.  He loves me.  He likes to cuddle (sometimes).

So now what???

Have I mentioned that I hate my life???

So I'm flipping back and forth between "Walking Tall" with The Rock, and "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet.  I totally feel like Kate at the beginning of the movie when she's inhaling the gas from her stove.  Lucky for me I have an electric stove.  Only I'll never get my Jack Black.  I am convinced that I am destined to be alone.  However it is nice looking at The Rock.

So anyway, found out today that F dropped his phone in water and it doesn't work.  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that that is the reason that he hasn't called.  And apparently he doesn't have a computer, he only IMs and facebooks on his phone.  Whatever.

I should be doing homework.  I'm already behind on my assignments.  With any luck tomorrow I'll get some work done.  Haven't been able to concentrate.  And while I know someone somewhere is saying it's because of the guy (and I'm not ruling that out 100%), it's more because I just have ZERO interest in this class...  It's BORING!!!!

And I'm also facebooking.  Yeah, no wonder things never get done around here...

I am so not the person that I thought I'd be at 41.  It's not that I have a problem being alone.  I'm OK with that.  Sometimes I even like it.  I mean, I can come and go when I want, I don't have to answer to anyone, I can do what I want.  But sometimes I get lonely.

And then there's the sex.  I like sex.  Well, I like good sex.  And I don't want to keep the fuck-buddy that I've been having.  I want F back.  I want to have someone who is having sex with me with some emotion behind it, not just a base need to cum.  And I want someone who will put his arms around me and just hod me when we are done.  I don't want angry revenge sex.

Look, I'm not saying that I want to marry the guy.  Hell, he has to get a divorce first.  (Don't judge me!!!  He told me he is separated!!!  And with my track record, I'm just stupid enough to believe him too!!!)

OH, and my cousin has announced that her husband is getting stationed in England.  She never wanted to go to England.  I on the other hand have wanted to move to London (or the surrounding area) for some time now.

First off, I want to go on a curse to Alaska.  I can't afford it.  But my parents go (both sets of them).  Then one of my best friends goes with her then husband.  I on the other hand get to stay home and watch TV and play with my dog.  I want to go to Ireland.  Do I get to go?  NOOOOOO.  But a different friend's son gets stationed there so she's been a few times.  And to Rome most recently.  And ever since I started watching Doctor Who.  Now my cousin gets to go.  And let's face it, it's not like I'll ever be able to afford to go and visit.  Not that I would anyway.  We aren't that close.  But still...  So the last place that I want to go is Scotland, and Wales.   Any takers on who gets to go there before me???  Hell, I'll be luck to get out of Colorado before the end of 2012.  Today is June 1, and so far the furthest I've been is Denver...

Have I mentioned today how much I hate my life???

Well, the dog is bugging the crap out of me.  At least HE loves me.  Glad someone does....