So what the hell is wrong with me.

I've been sitting here all day (well, except when I went to lunch and shopping with my friend) wondering what I did wrong that sent F away.  Well, other than being obsessive about why he wasn't contacting me or returning my calls/texts.  Did I mention that I turned into some kind of psycho that I didn't even recognize?  Probably.  But I still feel like that.  I'm still left with so many unanswered questions.  What did I do?  What could I have done differently?  Why didn't he want me?  Or, more to the point, why did he act like he wanted me for the first few weeks then nothing at all?  Why did he tell me he'd see me again, then not?  And he did this not once, but twice.  And why did I guy into it?  Why did I believe him a second time?

I won't be making that mistake again.  Hell, I don't know what I'm doing.  What's going on with me?  Why can't I find love?  Hell, do I even believe in it anymore?

Just that I'm meant to be alone.  From now until the end of time....  And apparently I'm not meant to know what real happiness is either.  Even when I am happy, there is always something longing inside of me.  And I don't even know what for anymore.

A know that the only baby I'll ever have is Gus.  And he's the only one who will ever truly love me, totally, completely, and unconditionally.