OH WHAT A JACK ASS I AM!!!!
Well, the title of tonight’s blog states it all. I am officially the world’s biggest jack ass. Not to mention totally selfish. “Why do I think I’m a jack ass?” you ask. “What makes you think you are selfish?” you ask. “Why would tonight be any different from any other moment in your life?” you ask. Well stop asking me so damn many questions and I’ll tell you.
OK, so you know how they say that “Merlot and e-mail don’t mix.” Well, I have another one for you: Mike’s Hard Lemonade and texting don’t mix. That’s right, I was drunk texting (Although, if I have to be 100% honest, I wasn’t really all that drunk, but I’m blaming it on the Mike’s anyway). See, I met this guy Jeff at work (way back when I had a job). He’s a nice guy and we hung out a few times, but I never really thought too much about him one way or the other. Then we started working together in the same unit (under THE BITCH*) and became pretty good friends. It was at this point, that I decided I loved Jeff. Now mind you, I loved Jeff, I didn’t LOVE Jeff. I met Jeff’s friend and kinda started making goo-goo eyes at him and flirting my ass off at karaoke. It turns out that the “friend” was no friend at all and really a huge ass hole, so it is a good thing that my flirting never really went beyond that night and I didn’t go home with him (or take him home) which was the plan. There is really only one redeeming factor about the “friend:” AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH men in skirts……
Eventually I got fired from my job and for a while I ignored Jeff (and everyone else too, I was really depressed and didn’t want to talk to anyone, so it wasn’t anything personal about him, just a general ignoring of all human beings who weren’t in a position to give me a job at the time). But I started missing him (and everyone else for that matter) so we emailed a bit, goofed around on facebook.com, and went out a few times. Well now Jeff is moving.
You see, Jeff and I went out on Saturday night, and I had a really good time. And while I never really considered Jeff the boyfriend type it had briefly crossed my mind a few times because he is such a nice guy. But I really didn’t want him or anyone else to think that I was taking advantage of him because he is such a nice guy so I put the thoughts out of my head as soon as they entered. But on Saturday we were sitting listening to a local band play, and flirting mildly back and forth (I said mildly, so no, I didn’t use my normal pick-up line of “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”), you know, holding hands, making goo-goo eyes (I’m pretty good at the goo-goo eye thing) that sort of thing. He was running his finger tips up and down the inside of my arm and ELECTRICITY ignited! Really, at some point (and I can’t say exactly when), I just looked at him and thought “Man, I’d really like to kiss him right now.” I didn’t do it of course, no one wants their first kiss with someone to be in a noisy crowded bar where you can’t share the moment, and besides, this is Jeff… (And for those of you who know Jeff, you’ll know what I mean when I say that). Even when we left the bar and were saying good night in the parking lot I was thinking to myself “Kiss him. Kiss him now. You’ll regret it if you don’t just grow some balls and DO IT!” But alas I chickened out AGAIN. This is so atypical of me, usually when I want a guy I just go for it and kiss him and see where things lead from there, but for some reason I just couldn’t do it.
Well, that’s not entirely true, there were reasons. Many of them. I was so busy over analyzing everything that I talked myself right out of what was potentially a really great kiss. I just kept thinking “What if he doesn’t want me to kiss him?” “What if he DOES want me to kiss him?” “What if I kiss him and it turns out bad?” “If I kiss him, what does that mean to our friendship?” “What’s the point, he’s leaving the state next weekend anyway?” And worst of all, “Do I want to kiss him because I really like him, or is this just a matter of me being a selfish child and wanting what I know I can’t have?” (Somehow I doubt that is the case) And that is just to name a few of the things going on in my over crowded head with my hyperactive imagination.
So on Monday night I had 4 Mike’s Lemonades and sent him a text asking him what he would say if I told him that when we went out on Saturday night all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss him. Yeah, I know… STUPID DANA!!!!
Anyway, we had a nice conversation via text (I really need to add texting to my wireless plan if I’m going to keep this up) about how much time we (OK, I) wasted how I feel like a total jack ass for saying that in the first place, but that he likes me too (He likes me, he really likes me!!!!!!). That it’s just too bad that we wasted so much time (part of that because we worked in the same unit at a job that we both hated so we really couldn’t do anything for a while anyway). But he did say that if things don’t work out where he’s going then he’ll be back in Colorado because he prefers it out here.
I want to be supportive and wish him luck, but is it so wrong for me to hope that things don’t work out. And I know I should be adult and wish him the best of luck (and I really do no matter what it may sound like in this blog entry), and as his friend, I really do want things to turn out well for him and for him to be happy. But I still don’t want him to go, or if he HAS to go, I want him to come back.
At least I didn’t tell him about the dream I had about him. NO, it wasn’t a loin shaking, earth shattering, sex dream (sorry, I’m disappointed too); the only thing we did in the dream was kiss. It wasn’t bad. But I’m a pretty good kisser, so I couldn’t help but be disappointed that it was all just a dream. So if all I could do was think about kissing him before, then it’s REALLY all I can thin about now. And you know, my friends kept telling me that he liked me, but I didn’t believe them. Somehow I wish I would have listened.
So I want to say this, incase Jeff clicks the blog link on my facebook page, Jeff, I’m sorry that I ignored you all that time, and more importantly, I’m sorry that I laid all of this on you right before you left. It is totally selfish on my part and I shouldn’t have done that to you, I should have just kept my feelings to myself. Now, having said that, since we are going out for lunch tomorrow, if I do happen to grow a set of brass cajonies (sp?), and I do kiss you, don’t be shocked. And if I loose what little bit of nerve I have left, you can feel free to kiss me first, I won’t push you away.
*See previous blog regarding my current unemployment status. Possible future rants regarding THE BITCH to follow.
P.S. I would also like to say, that coming up sometime in the next week or so, you will get an entry titled “100 things you should know about me.” I just have to think of 100 things to say about myself. Heck, you already know that I don’t have the balls to kiss a guy that I like, so what else is there to know really….
OK, so you know how they say that “Merlot and e-mail don’t mix.” Well, I have another one for you: Mike’s Hard Lemonade and texting don’t mix. That’s right, I was drunk texting (Although, if I have to be 100% honest, I wasn’t really all that drunk, but I’m blaming it on the Mike’s anyway). See, I met this guy Jeff at work (way back when I had a job). He’s a nice guy and we hung out a few times, but I never really thought too much about him one way or the other. Then we started working together in the same unit (under THE BITCH*) and became pretty good friends. It was at this point, that I decided I loved Jeff. Now mind you, I loved Jeff, I didn’t LOVE Jeff. I met Jeff’s friend and kinda started making goo-goo eyes at him and flirting my ass off at karaoke. It turns out that the “friend” was no friend at all and really a huge ass hole, so it is a good thing that my flirting never really went beyond that night and I didn’t go home with him (or take him home) which was the plan. There is really only one redeeming factor about the “friend:” AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH men in skirts……
Eventually I got fired from my job and for a while I ignored Jeff (and everyone else too, I was really depressed and didn’t want to talk to anyone, so it wasn’t anything personal about him, just a general ignoring of all human beings who weren’t in a position to give me a job at the time). But I started missing him (and everyone else for that matter) so we emailed a bit, goofed around on facebook.com, and went out a few times. Well now Jeff is moving.
You see, Jeff and I went out on Saturday night, and I had a really good time. And while I never really considered Jeff the boyfriend type it had briefly crossed my mind a few times because he is such a nice guy. But I really didn’t want him or anyone else to think that I was taking advantage of him because he is such a nice guy so I put the thoughts out of my head as soon as they entered. But on Saturday we were sitting listening to a local band play, and flirting mildly back and forth (I said mildly, so no, I didn’t use my normal pick-up line of “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”), you know, holding hands, making goo-goo eyes (I’m pretty good at the goo-goo eye thing) that sort of thing. He was running his finger tips up and down the inside of my arm and ELECTRICITY ignited! Really, at some point (and I can’t say exactly when), I just looked at him and thought “Man, I’d really like to kiss him right now.” I didn’t do it of course, no one wants their first kiss with someone to be in a noisy crowded bar where you can’t share the moment, and besides, this is Jeff… (And for those of you who know Jeff, you’ll know what I mean when I say that). Even when we left the bar and were saying good night in the parking lot I was thinking to myself “Kiss him. Kiss him now. You’ll regret it if you don’t just grow some balls and DO IT!” But alas I chickened out AGAIN. This is so atypical of me, usually when I want a guy I just go for it and kiss him and see where things lead from there, but for some reason I just couldn’t do it.
Well, that’s not entirely true, there were reasons. Many of them. I was so busy over analyzing everything that I talked myself right out of what was potentially a really great kiss. I just kept thinking “What if he doesn’t want me to kiss him?” “What if he DOES want me to kiss him?” “What if I kiss him and it turns out bad?” “If I kiss him, what does that mean to our friendship?” “What’s the point, he’s leaving the state next weekend anyway?” And worst of all, “Do I want to kiss him because I really like him, or is this just a matter of me being a selfish child and wanting what I know I can’t have?” (Somehow I doubt that is the case) And that is just to name a few of the things going on in my over crowded head with my hyperactive imagination.
So on Monday night I had 4 Mike’s Lemonades and sent him a text asking him what he would say if I told him that when we went out on Saturday night all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss him. Yeah, I know… STUPID DANA!!!!
Anyway, we had a nice conversation via text (I really need to add texting to my wireless plan if I’m going to keep this up) about how much time we (OK, I) wasted how I feel like a total jack ass for saying that in the first place, but that he likes me too (He likes me, he really likes me!!!!!!). That it’s just too bad that we wasted so much time (part of that because we worked in the same unit at a job that we both hated so we really couldn’t do anything for a while anyway). But he did say that if things don’t work out where he’s going then he’ll be back in Colorado because he prefers it out here.
I want to be supportive and wish him luck, but is it so wrong for me to hope that things don’t work out. And I know I should be adult and wish him the best of luck (and I really do no matter what it may sound like in this blog entry), and as his friend, I really do want things to turn out well for him and for him to be happy. But I still don’t want him to go, or if he HAS to go, I want him to come back.
At least I didn’t tell him about the dream I had about him. NO, it wasn’t a loin shaking, earth shattering, sex dream (sorry, I’m disappointed too); the only thing we did in the dream was kiss. It wasn’t bad. But I’m a pretty good kisser, so I couldn’t help but be disappointed that it was all just a dream. So if all I could do was think about kissing him before, then it’s REALLY all I can thin about now. And you know, my friends kept telling me that he liked me, but I didn’t believe them. Somehow I wish I would have listened.
So I want to say this, incase Jeff clicks the blog link on my facebook page, Jeff, I’m sorry that I ignored you all that time, and more importantly, I’m sorry that I laid all of this on you right before you left. It is totally selfish on my part and I shouldn’t have done that to you, I should have just kept my feelings to myself. Now, having said that, since we are going out for lunch tomorrow, if I do happen to grow a set of brass cajonies (sp?), and I do kiss you, don’t be shocked. And if I loose what little bit of nerve I have left, you can feel free to kiss me first, I won’t push you away.
*See previous blog regarding my current unemployment status. Possible future rants regarding THE BITCH to follow.
P.S. I would also like to say, that coming up sometime in the next week or so, you will get an entry titled “100 things you should know about me.” I just have to think of 100 things to say about myself. Heck, you already know that I don’t have the balls to kiss a guy that I like, so what else is there to know really….
posted by shenanigans skullduggery & stupidity at 11:27 PM
1 Comments:
Keep up the good work.
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