Where has all the good sex gone???
Ahhh the life of a 30 something. I have to say, that this is NOT how I would have predicted my 30's turning out. BORING!!!!
I mean, I wanted to backpack across Europe. Sure, I lived in Germany for like 4 years when I was in high school, but that was with my parents, so it's not exactly the same thing. OH, and I wanted to actually FINISH college. My 5 year plan has turned to shit. I graduated from high school when I was 19 and now I'm 35, you do the math on how long it has taken me (hum, maybe I'm getting a clue as to why I still haven't finished yet).
But really, that isn't the point of this rant...
I really wanted to bitch about 30 something sex. This is suppose to be when I'm hitting my peak! I'm suppose to be out there having great sex with my flavor of the month (not like the ho hum one night stands that I had in my 20's). But instead, let me regale you with the past 3 sexual episodes that I have had...
Episode #1, the affair with the married man (I call him "naked man" but more on that in later episodes). He and I met when he was married to his first wife. He was cheating on her like crazy with lot's of women and all she wanted to do was be the victim ("oh poor me, my husband is cheating on me"), which is how she got him in the first place. But I didn't set out to have an affair with him. But after months of her thrusting us together because she just didn't want to bother going out anymore she started accusing us of having an affair. I finally got tired of it and decided, if she's going to accuse us of fucking, then I'm going to fuck him. Hell, it's not like he needed any encouragement, all it took was a phone call that was something to the effect of "wanna hang out and have a few beers?" And he was good too. Really good. Then we drifted apart while he was divorcing his first wife to marry one of his affairs because he got her knocked up. Eventually we ran into each other again and started up once more (again, not feeling too sorry for the wife here because everyone knows he is never going to change and he keeps bouncing from wife to wife by cheating on the one he is with at the time, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid enough to fall into THAT trap with him). Unfortunately the sex was not nearly as good as it had been. He was never up for round 2. Round 1 wasn't all that great anymore, then one day he said something (on the phone) about how he couldn't wait to see my long blond hair again. Well, let me say that I am not now, now have I EVER been blond, so that was the end of that. I don't know which "girlfriend" he was mixing me up with, but told him not to call again until he could remember what color my hair was (I'm a red head for crying out loud, it's not like there are THAT many of us around).
Then came B. You've read about him before. The one and only time that I had sex with him was not what I'd call spectular. I mean sure, it was the first time that either of us had been with anyone in a couple of years (or so he said, for me I hadn't been with anyone since Naked Man and that was just short of 2 years before B and I started dating). He made a good effort, and was very tender and genuine and didn't seem to mind that I am CONSIDERABLY over weight, and even complemented me on how I looked naked. Not something that happens very often... But the man had no girth. I mean, there are some guys out there that can amaze you with what they can do with a short dick, but they have some girth. Now, I have never had any children, and it's not like I'm all loose down there. Far from it in fact, because my Dr. Has to use a smaller set of duck lips when I get my "female" checkup because the standard one is too big. But honestly, can we say pencil dick??? So it wasn't so much that it was bad, but it just wasn't good....
The last time I had sex was just this past weekend. I ran into Naked Man again a few weeks ago, and after a few week end of teasing him back and forth I finally decided to hell with it, I need to get laid... OH MY FUCKING GOD was it bad. Just BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD well, you get the idea. I swear the man put it in twice and he came. And forget about round 2, he couldn't get it up again to save his life. What the hell???? I'd like to say that it's just because I'm that good that men can't control themselves, but then he'd be able to achieve round 2. So do you know what I did? I sent him an email link to free viagra. Yep, that's right. And if the newest woman in his life gets it before him, well, too damn bad, maybe she can get a good fuck out of. God knows I can't.
So what now you may ask? Well for starters, I'M NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN!!! I'm not even having sex by myself. That just leaves me unsatisfied (in the long run anyway, I'm good for the short term though) and wanting more. Besides, it aggravates my carpal tunnel...
So unless anyone out there has any PRACTICAL suggestions, thanks for letting me bitch. It's what I do now...
I mean, I wanted to backpack across Europe. Sure, I lived in Germany for like 4 years when I was in high school, but that was with my parents, so it's not exactly the same thing. OH, and I wanted to actually FINISH college. My 5 year plan has turned to shit. I graduated from high school when I was 19 and now I'm 35, you do the math on how long it has taken me (hum, maybe I'm getting a clue as to why I still haven't finished yet).
But really, that isn't the point of this rant...
I really wanted to bitch about 30 something sex. This is suppose to be when I'm hitting my peak! I'm suppose to be out there having great sex with my flavor of the month (not like the ho hum one night stands that I had in my 20's). But instead, let me regale you with the past 3 sexual episodes that I have had...
Episode #1, the affair with the married man (I call him "naked man" but more on that in later episodes). He and I met when he was married to his first wife. He was cheating on her like crazy with lot's of women and all she wanted to do was be the victim ("oh poor me, my husband is cheating on me"), which is how she got him in the first place. But I didn't set out to have an affair with him. But after months of her thrusting us together because she just didn't want to bother going out anymore she started accusing us of having an affair. I finally got tired of it and decided, if she's going to accuse us of fucking, then I'm going to fuck him. Hell, it's not like he needed any encouragement, all it took was a phone call that was something to the effect of "wanna hang out and have a few beers?" And he was good too. Really good. Then we drifted apart while he was divorcing his first wife to marry one of his affairs because he got her knocked up. Eventually we ran into each other again and started up once more (again, not feeling too sorry for the wife here because everyone knows he is never going to change and he keeps bouncing from wife to wife by cheating on the one he is with at the time, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid enough to fall into THAT trap with him). Unfortunately the sex was not nearly as good as it had been. He was never up for round 2. Round 1 wasn't all that great anymore, then one day he said something (on the phone) about how he couldn't wait to see my long blond hair again. Well, let me say that I am not now, now have I EVER been blond, so that was the end of that. I don't know which "girlfriend" he was mixing me up with, but told him not to call again until he could remember what color my hair was (I'm a red head for crying out loud, it's not like there are THAT many of us around).
Then came B. You've read about him before. The one and only time that I had sex with him was not what I'd call spectular. I mean sure, it was the first time that either of us had been with anyone in a couple of years (or so he said, for me I hadn't been with anyone since Naked Man and that was just short of 2 years before B and I started dating). He made a good effort, and was very tender and genuine and didn't seem to mind that I am CONSIDERABLY over weight, and even complemented me on how I looked naked. Not something that happens very often... But the man had no girth. I mean, there are some guys out there that can amaze you with what they can do with a short dick, but they have some girth. Now, I have never had any children, and it's not like I'm all loose down there. Far from it in fact, because my Dr. Has to use a smaller set of duck lips when I get my "female" checkup because the standard one is too big. But honestly, can we say pencil dick??? So it wasn't so much that it was bad, but it just wasn't good....
The last time I had sex was just this past weekend. I ran into Naked Man again a few weeks ago, and after a few week end of teasing him back and forth I finally decided to hell with it, I need to get laid... OH MY FUCKING GOD was it bad. Just BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD well, you get the idea. I swear the man put it in twice and he came. And forget about round 2, he couldn't get it up again to save his life. What the hell???? I'd like to say that it's just because I'm that good that men can't control themselves, but then he'd be able to achieve round 2. So do you know what I did? I sent him an email link to free viagra. Yep, that's right. And if the newest woman in his life gets it before him, well, too damn bad, maybe she can get a good fuck out of. God knows I can't.
So what now you may ask? Well for starters, I'M NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN!!! I'm not even having sex by myself. That just leaves me unsatisfied (in the long run anyway, I'm good for the short term though) and wanting more. Besides, it aggravates my carpal tunnel...
So unless anyone out there has any PRACTICAL suggestions, thanks for letting me bitch. It's what I do now...
posted by shenanigans skullduggery & stupidity at 11:06 PM
1 Comments:
Considering I've never had sex, bad or otherwise, I don't have much in the way of practical advice.
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